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Madonna Launches Bid for Blue Note

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Kabbalah devotee and freelance media whore Madonna has announced her intention to purchase Blue Note Records, a Capitol subsidiary and one of the most storied labels in jazz history. The pop megalith and failed actress today announced her proposed €2.1 billion ($18.74) buyout attempt at a press conference in London with her pet husband, Guy Ritchie, under her arm in a specially designed Prada carrier.

“It is my intention to purchase Blue Note Records and guide the label aided by the spirits of Alfred Lion and Francis Wolff, who have contacted me to express their wishes." the near-has-been read phonetically from a prepared statement.

Madonna went on to explain that she believed herself to be “channeling" the spirits of Lion and Wolff, the Jewish German immigrants who founded Blue Note in 1939. Since converting to Kabbalah, the halfcocked hodgepodge of inauthentic mystical Judaism and feel-good New Age circle jerking designed to purge excess cash from the overly credulous, Madonna has also made a pilgrimage to the safe parts of Israel and elevated the wearing of red threads to the stratosphere of futile gestures.

Blue Note president Bruce Lundvall was not immediately available for comment, but you can imagine what any reasonable person would say in the same situation.

In a related story…fellow Kabbalah dupe Ashton Kutcher, believing himself to be channeling George Wein, recently announced that he would be resurrecting the Newport Jazz Festival. When it was pointed out that A) George Wein is still alive, and B) so is the Newport Jazz Festival, Kutcher pointed out that he is still sleeping with what’s left of the original Demi Moore. The JVC Jazz Festival Newport will take place regardless, from August 12-14.


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