Announcing the grant, Tessa Jowell, Secretary of State for Arts & Culture, also pledged that the grant would rise to $100,000,000 a year within the next three years."
This is a genuinely open-door program," continued Ms Jowell. Musicians can apply for up $60,000 without needing to complete any sort of formal application process. All they will have to do is turn up at their nearest government office, blow a chorus or two of Epistrophy or Straight No Chaser and the cash will given to them there and then."
Artists asking for more than $60,000 will have to fulfil more stringent application criteria. Officials will need to see either a library card or a note from their mum," explained Ms Jowell. But no-one will have to promise to do any of the usual outreach or education program bullshit. This is about facilitating musicians, period."
Opposition leader Michael Howard denounced the grant as too little too late" and blatant electioneering." Howard pledged that a new Tory government would raise the grant to $150,000,000 a year immediately on coming to power. We are also looking at providing free mobile phones, Gucci loafers and high grade cannabis to all jazz musicians," announced Howard.